Taiwan Journal Ep. 3: Dreaming / 作夢

The first morning was a hazy one.

It was as if the air in Taiwan was so dense with moisture that it just seeps out into droplets of rain, or sweat. I was on the MRT (Taipei’s Mass Rapid Transit, otherwise known as the metro). It’s always interesting for me to be a part of the commute, because personally, I hate commuting. I had a long commute from home to my high school, a long one hour and a half trek through New York’s subways and buses and mean streets. Of course, I’ve also had very short commutes in college, a two minute walk across Harvard Yard to the Science Center.

Be it two minutes or ninety minutes or three hours, commuting always seemed like a chore to me. It’s really a waste of life. People do it because they have to; the only reason people do it is because they would rather not live around where they work (for a variety of difference reasons of course). I haven’t met a single person who loves to commute. Because commuting is such a waste of life, people try to figure out all sorts of ways to deal with this problem, and that’s why I love watching people commute.

For the most part, people had a grim expression on their faces. I assumed most of the people who shared that train car with me are going somewhere to work. Some are sleeping. Some are reading newspapers, with giant block characters denouncing the latest government policy. Hardly anyone talked, except for the occasional cell phone conversation. Watching people commute to work really hit home that point about being in an exotic place: for these people, Taiwan is not an exotic place, but a routine that cannot be easily escaped, moisture and all.

***

The first stop for us is National Taiwan University. Our delegation, all 15 of us, crowded the Xindian-bound MRT, all dressed up in black suits and shiny, fancy ties. We probably looked like a cluster of crows that somehow got stuck inside the train. Dave was talking about trying to find an oil baron’s daughter to marry.

“You know, there aren’t any oil barons in Taiwan.” I explained. “There are electronics barons though, but I think their daughters are taken.” I briefly imagined a waiting list one has to sign up to court one of these electronics barons’ daughters. You’ll have to put down a deposit to hold a spot on the waiting list. The first 10 or 20 names on that list are probably politicians’ sons who are in fact idiots.

We were greeted at Gongguan Station by a bunch of beautiful ladies from NTU, and Danny. Somehow I got stuck talking to Danny, and as it turned out we went to the same high school when Danny was living in New York. He had been studying finance (I hope my memory serves me right, Danny if you’re reading this please let me know!), and later on he would go on to do a bike tour across Taiwan, similar to what former KMT Chairman Ma Ying-jeou did some time ago, but without the supporters or protestors on the sidelines.

The actual meeting we had that morning with the NTU President was actually quite boring. However, we did discover that Alonzo was featured in a pamphlet for NTU’s language exchange program, which was pretty cool. I must have been daydreaming during the meeting…I honestly don’t remember much. What I could tell though, was that I could feel NTU’s desire to reach out internationally, and I applaud that. Taiwanese students will learn a lot about themselves from foreigners, and I’ve certainly learned a lot about myself on this trip being with my new NTU friends. More on this later as we meet them again…

After our meeting with the President, our NTU friends took us on a tour. Outside the day was still hazy, but that didn’t stop a couple from taking wedding photos near the building we were in. I wondered if the NTU campus was a popular backdrop choice for wedding photo shoots. Personally, having Pound Hall or the Hark in the same picture as my wife in her gown just doesn’t seem right to me.

The NTU main library looms in the background like a giant battleship. This battleship had gone through some real battles, but she’s now mediating quietly in the center of campus, black streaks of mold hinting at her age. We entered. On the left there was a reading area for periodicals. A couple of students had put their faces down on the table for a nap. Ahead of us were rows of computers, and some students were hunkered down typing away. Were they writing an email to ask someone out to dinner that night? Were they checking the latest news? Posting on PTT?

Continuing our tour, we bumped into a small stand next to a cluster of classroom buildings. A bunch of students were selling snacks.

“They’re visiting from HARVARD,” our hosts said to the students manning the stand.

The students explained that they were a club of students from Hsinchu promoting local specialties and local culture, and they were selling some traditional Hsinchu snacks as a fundraiser. “OH, here, try some of the food we have! No charge, everything’s free for you guys, here, try some. Go ahead, it’s totally cool, take as much as you want. Come on, don’t be shy!” Eventually we took some food and it was chewy, sweet, savory all at the same time. We thanked them, and moved on.

Walking in NTU’s campus, I felt a strange feeling. There were students dosing off inside air conditioned classrooms and libraries, but also students hard at work fundraising for their club, not to mention our hosts who took time out to entertain us and made sure everything we desired was taken care of. At first, I had a lot of respect for the latter group, and I also wanted to smack the first group of students as hard as I could. But now as I thought about it, the feeling was deeper. It was a pervasive thing from the commute that morning, but also throughout the entire week.

Uneasiness.

Everyone that morning was dreaming in some way. The commuters were going to work dreaming of a better life for their families, or dreaming about breaking away from the grind, maybe. The kids who fell asleep were probably dreaming of making it big one day, or whatever their computers are download as we speak. I briefly spoke with Maggie, who planned to work at a public relations firm after she graduates, with dreams of graduate studies one day. The couple near the palm trees taking wedding photos were probably dreaming about something else, but the more I thought about it the more I wasn’t sure.

We are dreamers. But for the people in Taiwan, you are afraid to dream. What you see in your dreams are too out of line with reality. You dream of becoming an Olympic swimmer, but you are stuck in a inflatable pool. You dream of a fresh air and unlimited opportunities, but you are chained down to an island---finite, enclosed, isolated. Dreams of possibilities, with an ever uncertain future, as individuals and as a society, in the face of China and global competition. It was an uneasiness about dreaming too much.

The sky was still hazy when we went to lunch.

巷-a 公路

Hey everyone, I am going to start another section that includes some of the poems I've written. All of my poems, so far at least, have been written first in Taiwanese, and translated specifically for posting here.

A word about Taiwanese: I use the Taiwan Romanization system, which is based on the original church romanization but slightly modified. I'll talk more about the Taiwanese language(s) issue some other day.


Hang-a Kong-loo

Jin-sing bo hong-hiong e si-tsun
Tsiok ai kiann hang-a loo
Toh-ping
Tsiann-ping
Tak-kang e hong-king long bo kang
Ban-ban-a kiann
Khuann tioh e mih-kiann pian tso gua e sim-tsing

Tshue tioh hong-hiong liau-au
Toh ai kiann ko-sok kong-loo
Tih-tih-tih
Kan-na khuann tioh thau-tsing
Sai hiah kin
Iah-bue khuann tioh sannh
Toh long kue-khi a


巷-a 公路

人生無方向 e 時陣
Tsiok 愛行巷-a 路
Toh-旁
Tsiann-旁
Tak-kang e 風景攏無 kang
慢慢-a 行
看 tioh e 物件變做我 e 心情

找 tioh 方向了後
Toh ai 行高速公路
直直直
Kan-na 看 tioh 頭前
駛 hiah 緊
Iah-bue 看 tioh sannh
Toh 攏過去 a


巷子公路

人生沒有方向的時候
很喜歡走巷子裡
左邊
右邊
每天風景都不一樣
慢慢走著
看到的東西變成我的心情

找到方向以後
我必須走高速公路
直直的
只看得到前方
開那麼快
什麼都還沒看到
就已經超過了


Alleyways and Freeways

When I didn't have a goal in life
I love to walk down alleyways
Left turn
Right turn
The scene is different every day
Take a stroll
Things I see become part of my soul

After I found a direction
I have to take the freeway
Straight on
All I see is what's ahead
Drive faster
Before I see anything
It becomes part of the past

Intermission 1

I just want to apologize for the slow progress of the Taiwan Journals. It’s now August, and I’m still writing about stuff that happened in March. I hope I can still remember enough to convey my thoughts accurately.

It’s been slightly difficult to sort out what to write first and what to write later; also difficult to guage how serious of a discussion I should have. My goal is to look away at the mainstream political struggles in Taiwan, while wondering about Taiwan’s society and my place in it. How can I make it interesting, yet not pretentious; thought-provoking, yet human?

I’ve been lazy, as always, to really figure out how to balance those questions, and so I’m stuck on the Taiwan Journals. I don’t want to give up writing them though. There are still a lot on my mind, and I want to get them down. So hopefully I can have a bit more to post very soon.

No Superstitions Girl (Part 1 of X)

Her name was Rita, but I call her the No Superstitions Girl. It’s a name that we came up with together. I don’t remember if there was one particular reason why we called her that, but that was the name we had for her.

It sounds like a name for a comic book character, a superhero of some sort, or at least that was how she thought of it. She could fly, but she rarely did. Too masculine and too crass, she said.

“What about a fancy car?” I suggested.

“Too cliché. I mean, I’ve always wondered where people would park that thing.” She said as she lit up another cigarette. “Actually, a motorcycle would be very nice. A lightning fast crotch rocket. I like that. Also, I don’t need all the machine guns and little gimmicks. They kind of bother me. It’s almost like...relying on something else other than my powers, you know? That’s cowardly. Besides, they add a lot of weight to the bike I’m sure. I want something sleek, fast, and beautiful.”

Speaking of beautiful, it was a beautiful Sunday morning. We were in her apartment in the Lower East Side on the 22nd floor, in her spacious bedroom that had floor to ceiling windows with the Williamsburg Bridge right outside, in her Swedish king-sized bed, underneath her white silk comforters. I was completely naked, and she was wearing a pair of brilliant lime-green panties and nothing else.

It was gray outside in the typical New York-in-late-November kind of way: everything is dry, and there’s a cold freshness to the air. We’ve turned on the lamp on the night table to our right hand side. It had a shape that resembled a orchid petal. She said it was handmade somewhere outside of Barcelona by a Spanish designer, shipped directly to her apartment, but all picked out by her father.

We were lying on our left side. She pressed her back against my chest and I draped my right arm around her, grazing her belly button stud with my right middle finger.

“But you still want to be able to fly?”

“Of course. In case the bike breaks down. It’s always good to have a contingency plan, wouldn’t you say?”

“That’s smart.”

“Alright. A nice bike. What else...”

“Secret hideout.”

“Ah, that’s a great question. I would need a really nice secret hideout either. In fact I don’t know if it’s really necessary to have one. Besides, who’s going to take care of it and wipe everything down once in a while? Don’t tell me you want to do it.”

I hadn’t thought of that.

“Yeah.” She gave a little sigh through her nostrils. “Let’s scrap that idea. I’d be happy with a very small house somewhere in the countryside, or near the ocean on the eastern coast in Taiwan.”

“You know, once you get used to living in this ridiculously nice apartment it’ll be hard to be happy with anything less.”

She turned her neck back towards me, in slow motion. “You promised never to bring that up.” Her voice dropped a couple of pitches. “We have an understanding. Don’t forget.”

“I’m sorry. But...”

“Uh-huh. No.”

I buried my face into her shoulder and kissed her there. A faint savory-ness.

“Alright. No secret hideout. Retirement home in eastern Taiwan.”

“Sure.”

“So and there’s costume. What are you going to wear?”

“Hmm. No cape. Let’s see...lots of leather. A leather corset of some sort...over a body suit made of stretched lycra. White. And some sort of gloves... I think those arm-length gloves are super sexy, you know?”

“I would be up for that.”

“You know, maybe that’s a bit too much. That’s more like something I would wear if I were a stripper.”

“That’s not so bad either.”

“You’re just a perverted kid.” She lowered her voice a bit.

“Well, I suppose that’s true, and I suppose that’s why you’re
totally head over heels for me”

She chuckled. “In your dreams.”

I released her from my embrace and propped myself up with my back leaning against the pillow. When was the last time I had so much free time on my hands? When I say free time, what I really mean is a free Sunday morning. A free Sunday morning to just sit around, and stare into space.

Rita rolled over and snuffed out her cigarette on an square ashtray made of light oak. I looked at the curvature of her back and the little line of a shadow her spine made. Somehow I couldn’t pull my eyes away as she moved. She stayed like that with her back to me for sometime, just looking out the window.

“You know, thanks for last night.”

“Well, it’s my job to deal with your father.”

“Still, you deserve to be thanked. Somehow you have a way of talking to him that calms him down. He listens to you. I don’t know how you do it.”

I laughed. “It’s nothing. Really. He’s my client, so of course he has to listen to me.”

“I guess you just don’t know him well enough. Of all the years I’ve been watching my father, he’s never really listened to anyone. He just doesn’t think he needs to. And you know what? I think he’s been right about that.”

“So then? I’m sure he’s realized that he needs to listen to me this time around. After all, I am his attorney.”

“Part of his legal team,” she corrected.

“Exactly. I am his attorneys. One of them.”

“Whatever. But I have a hunch that, if his attorney were someone else, he would not have cared. He’s obviously had to deal with lawyers in the past. What’s more, even if you weren’t his attorney, he would be willing to pay attention to you. Did you not see the look on his face when you were explaining the deal to him?”

“What look on his face?”

“My God, you are one dense little boy. Didn’t you notice how he would squint his eyes and bunch his eyebrows up every so often while you were talking?”

“Nope.”

“That means he’s taking his time to process whatever you’re saying. Otherwise, he usually stares you down to try to pretend he’s listening when he’s really not. Anyway, I just think it’s quite impressive. You have some sort of talent there. But you have to be careful. Don’t get too close to him.”

I wasn’t sure what she’s saying, but I figured it wasn't worth getting into at this point. I had something else on my mind. I reached down into the sheets and ran my right index finger down the small of her back until I reached the waistband of her panties. I pulled on it slightly and released it, making a faint sound of the fabric hitting her skin.

She turned around and shuffled towards me, pushing herself higher up until my face was pressed on her between her neck and where her breasts began. She reached over and lightly cradled my head while I took a deep breath, savoring the faint odor of her sweat.

Somewhere Only We Know (Part 3 of 3)

Two days had passed since Violet and I had dinner together at the Thai restaurant. I had been at the clinic, staying late into the evening to clean things up and organize my files.

That evening I shredded old documents and records while my receptionist wiped down the counters. She was a fifty year old woman with a permed gray hair and a rather round physique. She also had an extra wide smile and an amazing chicken soup recipe.

“Doc, I think this is everything. I can’t believe this is really our office, you know? I can actually see my desk for a change---now that’s exciting.”

“Yeah. This place is immaculate. Thanks so much.” I poured a cup of coffee from the coffeemaker and offered it to her. She thanked me and cradled the cup with two hands.

“Nah, don’t mention it. Glad to help.” She had a sip of the coffee. “Ah, this is good. By the way, is something going on? You have this look on your face, like something’s bothering you.”

“Really? I suppose I am a bit preoccupied lately.”

“Just as I thought! I can tell just by looking at you go about your things around the office. Part of having two kids in high school, you know what I mean?”

I smiled. “Of course. Just a bit of personal business, that’s all.”

“You know, if we’re open tomorrow I’d bring some soup for you. That seems to always make your day.”

“Thanks for the thought though. That would’ve been great.”

“Well, since you’re off tomorrow, why don’t you go out to do something? That’d make you feel better I bet, getting away from the office and all.”

“That sounds like a good idea. But I think it has more to do with the stuff on my mind.”

She chuckled. “I’m not sure what that really means, but sometimes you’ve just got to make up your mind, you know?” She gathered her purse on her desk. “Anyway, I should probably get going. Gotta bring some dinner home for the kids.”

“I’ll give you a ride.”

“Nah don’t worry about it. My husband should be picking me up soon.”

“I see.”

“Thanks for the coffee! Good night, doc.”

“Thanks. You too.”

After she left I did a final walkthrough around the clinic and went into my office. It’s a bit past six, and with the lights off, everything was a navy blue silhouette from the little bit of light coming from the window. I left the lights off, sat down on my swivel chair, and looked at the faint reflection of my face on the mahogany desk. I felt suffocated.

I pulled out Violet’s card from my pocket and placed it on the desk. What the hell, maybe I should go out and do something. I picked up the phone on my desk, and dialed the number on the card.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me. Let’s do something tomorrow.” I said. “Well, if you’re free, that is.”

There was a pause at her end. “I’m definitely up for something. They’re taking us to dinner, so how about take me somewhere afterwards?”

“Hmm...let’s go downtown then. I’ll meet you in front of your office at eight.”

“Sounds good! I’ll see you then. Bye.”

“See you then.”

When we met up the next evening, I suggested that we go to a used bookstore around NYU. I used to go to this bookstore a lot when I did my residency at the NYU Hospital.

“It’s got that really nice old book smell.” Violet said as we strolled through the aisles.

“I would come here and spend three or four hours reading. It’s a really nice place.”

“I remember you didn’t read much in college though.”

“I suppose...I started reading a lot more after college. After college all of a sudden I have a lot of time by myself, so I filled my time with reading. There were a lot of standby time during residency.”

We stopped in front of the shelf against the rear wall. Violet pulled a book out and started thumbing through it nonchalantly. “Hey, I’ve been thinking of asking you something.”

“Hmm. What is it?”

“Well, why did it take so long for us to see each other again?

She stopped flipping the book but kept her gaze on the page. I looked away.

“Well?”

“I’m not sure.” I said. “Honestly.”

She looked up. “Just...I hope it’s not about Jeremy still. You know we’re divorced.”

“You said in your last letter.”

“Right...so, I hope it’s not about that. I’ve always thought you were
still upset over the whole thing.”

“Hmm.”

“Well, you seemed to have taken it pretty hard.”

I thought about it for a while. “I did.”

“I’m really sorry. I was immature and insensitive back then.”

“It’s alright. It was a long time ago.”

“So...that’s not why you really haven’t talked to me all these years...?”

“Not all of it.”

“So there’s some of it.”

“Not all of it, but yes that was part of it.” I leaned in a little closer. “Violet, I’m just being honest. I don’t think it’s something people can just forget and then start over clean. At least it’s been hard for me. But I really don’t think that’s why I haven’t kept in touch with you.”

“Then...what is it? I really would like to know.”

They were not completely clear to me still, the reasons why I just dropped Violet from my life after college and medical school. Maybe it was because I felt betrayed but realized that I was merely deceived by my own fantasies? Or that the whole Jeremy thing left these indescribable aftertastes, in more ways than one? Or that I really had tried to move on as I thought I should, and thus wanted to remove even those little trace of her like her emails and letters?

“I was busy.”

“Oh, don’t give me that bullshit. We’re all busy. You’re only too busy for things you don’t want to do.”

“Med school and residency took up a lot of time.”

“You just said that you had a lot of free time then, didn’t you?”

“I was psychologically and emotionally preoccupied.”

“That’s a pretty lame excuse.”

“Why do you want to know so badly anyway? Am I not seeing you now?”

“I want to know because, well,” she stopped herself, and sighed. “You know what? I just don’t understand you. I really don’t.”

She returned the book to the shelf. Without saying anything, I put my hands in my pockets and looked away.

The store manager came and told us that the store was closing soon. We left the store and took the subway together back to her hotel, without saying anything to each other the entire time. As we walked up the steps from the subway station, I felt the cold summer air hitting me. I took a long, deep breath.

I walked her up to the front of the hotel.

“See you.” She said and started for the door.

I placed a hand on her arm. “Hey. About tonight...just want you to know, it’s complicated.”

“Maybe you should actually figure it out first, yeah?” She said without looking at me, and walked into the hotel.


For the next couple of days I tried calling Violet many times, but she never picked up. In the meantime, I relegated myself to menial manual tasks such as developing x-rays and routine checkups for some old patients at the clinic. I stayed in late every night, ate cup noodles for dinner in my office by myself, and stared out of my window.

In the quietness of my own office, I thought about Violet. I seemed to remember all too well those very fragile moments when she went away from me. In my dreams, she’d always had her back to me. Ever since I’ve met her, it felt as if fragments of myself had been melting and dripping away, but seeing Violet again after all these years somehow convinced me that I can recover these missing fragments. Something grinded inside of me, pushing me, edging me, prodding me, to the point of madness.

I closed my eyes and my thoughts went to the painting. I was drawn into the thin spaces in between the orange stripes---there had to be a message buried in there somewhere.


One night I was at the office looking outside my window. The afternoon thunderstorm had slowed into a lazy drizzle, and there weren’t too many people on the street.

Suddenly my doorbell rang. I went to open the door, and found Violet standing outside, all of her clothing soaked.

“Hey.” Her voice was coarse.

“Gosh. What are you doing here? Come inside. Let me find you something to change into.”

I rummaged through my office, but couldn’t find anything but a couple of pairs of surgical scrubs. “Sorry, these are the only things I have,”

“That’s alright. I suppose they’ll do.”

After she changed, she sat down on the couch in my office. I sat down next to her.

“I looked you up in the phone book and saw your ad. Sorry for barging in on you like this, but I wanted to talk to you.”

I thought about it for a bit. “You could have answered my calls.”

“I’m sorry. I only wanted to talk to you when I’m ready.”

I felt the air stiffen around us. “So...are you ready now?”

“I’m still not sure, to be honest. But if I don’t do this now, I don’t think I ever will. I guess we’ll never be ready.”

“We’ll never be ready.” I repeated after her. “So why don’t we start now?”

She sighed, and leaned on me, resting her head on my shoulder. Her hair fell naturally over her face, but she made no attempt to brush it off. Her index and middle fingers traced a path along my cheekbone, from the lobe of my ear to the tip of my chin. I could feel her warm and damp breath on my face.

“You know, life’s just strange. We think we can make all these decisions, be the master of where we’ll go...but I realized that, there are these strings attached to our actions, ever so gently tugging at us, until we reach where we were meant to go in the first place.” She whispered into the air, like wisps of incense smoke.

I didn’t say anything.

“Hey,” Violet said. “Are things still complicated for you?”

“I think so.”

“I see.”

“Although I think I’ve come to a...determination of sorts.”

She didn’t say anything. Instead, she turned to me and kissed me on my cheek. Like that first time at the balcony of the dining hall, but softer, and it seemed like it would go on forever. I slipped my arm behind her and wrapped it around her. She closed her eyes and slowed her breathing.

We stayed like that for a long time.

Later that night I sat in the receptionist room couch, in complete darkness, next to Violet, who had fallen asleep. I had placed a thin blanket over her small body. Her legs were curled up towards her chest, pressing against me.

I had a glass of water in my right hand. I looked at its silhouette in the dark.


Several mornings later, I was sitting in the passenger’s seat next to my receptionist. She woke up at around five that morning just so she could drive me to the airport.

On the way out, she handed me a small plastic bag. “When you get hungry on the plane,” she said.

“Thanks.”

“You’ll be back,” she paused, “right?”

“I will. I promise.”

I walked into the plane, found my seat, and settled in for the long flight to Kyoto.

(The end)

Taiwan Journal Ep. 2: 無聊的台北城 / Taipei, City of Boredom

“做事情不能對不起子孫.”

坐在計程車上, 司機跟我說的. 現在其實也記不太起來怎麼會講到這個事情, 可是就是這句話讓我印象很深刻.

剛到台灣的深夜, 台北異常的安靜, 一點都沒有不夜城的氣息. 可能是因為是禮拜天晚上的關係吧, 忠孝西路只有稀少的幾台車, 一個人也沒有. 台北車站發出淡淡的光, 等著目送最後一批出城的旅客. 只有我是剛到的, 至少我希望是這樣. 明天開始要進行一個禮拜的台北體驗, 今天晚上看可不可以好好的先睡一覺. 我希望台北城是安靜的, 是平靜的, 甚至是無聊的.

我所謂無聊是指我有點希望這次來台北或是台灣, 我已經沒有新的東西可以學了. 一方面, 我是很懶惰的人, 所以沒有新事物我也省了用腦力去處理那些東西; 另一方面, 沒有新的資訊也就代表從我上次回來台灣到現在, 沒有什麼改變的地方.

想一想, 不希望改變換句話說, 就是認為改變是不好的. 至少我那時候是覺得台灣要是改變了, 一定是變的更壞. 怎麼說呢？ 為什麼會變的更壞而不是更好呢？ 我想是一種直覺吧. 當然政治環境是很大的因素, 經濟也當然還可以更好, 兩岸關係更一直是讓人很不怎麼樂觀起來, 可是總覺得台灣好像會越變越壞的樣子---像一個被退學了的小孩一樣. 應該還有更深一層的原因吧. 會不會是因為我已經對台灣的人沒有太大的期望了？ 你們再怎麼搞（我現在變成是以一個外國人的身分看台灣）也沒有辦法再進步, 因為我印象中的台灣好像不是一個很有深度跟智慧的地方. 我想到的台灣是: 華麗卻沒有什麼思考性的偶像劇, 連劇本都要抄別人的; 只會互相指責卻不懂得溝通也懶得解決問題的政客; 蘋果日報的3D模擬示意圖; 永遠長不大永遠都要爸爸媽媽接送的大小孩; 迷失了方向的人群. 這樣的社會...要我怎麼樂觀的起來呢？

不知道什麼時候我也曾經幻想過理想中的台灣（怎麼現在我又變成了台灣的一份子了？） 我記得有一次做夢, 夢到我小時候住的桃園大溪員樹林附近. 大溪是淡水河上游分叉出來的大漢溪的更上游, 石門水庫附近. 蔣介石還是先總統的時候很喜歡大溪這個地方, 也在河邊的台地上蓋了行館. 員樹林就是行館看出去河的對岸的台地上面. 夢裡面的女主角是某大外交官的孫女, 跟退休之後的阿公一起搬到比台北寧靜的員樹林, 也在台地的邊緣蓋了小小又典雅的房子. 房子是全白的, 用成本不高的人工素材建造的, 全家只有一層樓. 從院子看出去, 可以看得到大漢溪的藍藍的溪水, 裡面有人划著船; 河邊的公園種滿了樹, 雪山山脈的輪廓就在大溪台地更遠一點的地方. 醒來之後, 有一種蠻感慨的感覺. 到底有沒有可能, 台灣, 我的老家, 可以變得像夢裡面一樣, 是一個仙境的地方？

時空拉回禮拜天晚上. 台北終究沒有變多少. 跟去年不一樣的地方有捷運機場線的施工廣告, 那是我去年沒有看到的. 小時候很喜歡交通建設, 可是現在已經知道大大小小的硬體設備不一定就象徵著進步. 除了這個之外, 台北看起來差不多. 沒有改變也好吧. 那時候的我沒有想要在學新的東西了. 至少明天再說吧.

就是硬是跟司機聊了起來. 他說, 現在的人做事都只顧自己, 可是沒想想這些事情的後果, 都是子孫要承擔. 所以以後你要是做大事, 一定不能對不起子孫啦.

我想, 對得起子孫, 不是跟他們說, 爸爸媽媽希望你們不要比我們差, 也不是把我們現在的爛攤子丟給他們說, 孩子呀你看, 我們沒有把你們阿公阿媽留下來的東西搞的更爛喔! 而是說, 現在因為有我們, 我們的孩子可以活的更好. 也就是, 為了我們的孩子, 我們不得不進步, 不得不改變, 每天都要變的更好. 當然, 什麼是變的更好的定義, 大家意見可以不同, 也可以討論甚至衝突, 可是我們還是有責任留一個更好的世界給他們, 因為畢竟他們是我們創造出來的.

一個還沒生孩子的年輕小夥子大談對子孫的責任好像奇怪了點. 等我真的生了小孩, 可能那時候的感受又會變吧. 對一群我根本不認識, 還不存在的人負責任, 其實也是很妄想的事情. 幹嘛想那麼多呢？ 自己都沒時間給自己了, 還要犧牲自己給一群很有可能是很讓我討厭的人？ 好像也說不太過去. 有了才能就追求財力, 有了財力就追求權力, 有了權力就追求名留青史. 現代的人好像就是這樣吧.

前人種樹後人乘涼, 我們是種樹的還是乘涼的？

台北城, 變的不無聊了. 還有很多地方等著很多的人做很多的事.

Somewhere Only We Know (Part 2 of 3)

I spent that summer working in lab and volunteering at the regional hospital downtown. I worked hard. I would wake up at seven in the morning, swim for an entire hour, and go to lab; after dinner in the evening I would go over to the hospital and help out at radiation oncology until around nine, and then go back to lab until around two in the morning.

Senior year was pretty much the same. Hard work, and more hard work. My efforts in lab eventually became a prize-winning thesis paper and I was the second author of an article in a prestigious scientific journal that later became a benchmark in the field. I had gotten into most of the top ranking medical schools. Meanwhile, I spent less and less time with other people.

I saw Violet only twice during this time. Once was in March, right in the middle of thesis induced craziness. I sat through an entire weekend in front of the computer, and by five-thirty Monday morning I was immobilized by an overpowering hunger. I finally managed to go to the dining hall, only to find that it wasn’t open yet.

Right after I sat down on the steps outside of the dining hall, I saw Violet walking towards me, her pale yellow spring dress hanging loosely over her. She was with a short, skinny guy wearing a red Nautica jacket. They were holding hands.

We exchanged greetings and commented on how we haven’t seen each other in a while. There wasn’t the awkwardness that I had expected; neither of us showed any hint of emotions to each other. We were simply two people who happened to bump into each other.

“Ah, sorry. This is my boyfriend Jeremy.” She said.

“I know.” I shook his hand.

Violet turned slightly. “Jeremy, I think we should probably find somewhere else to get food. Your have to go to class soon.”

“Yeah. Let’s go then.” Jeremy said, and then turned to me. “Nice meeting you.” I waved bye to them both, sat back down and waited until the dining hall opened.

The second time I saw Violet was at the exhibition of her fine arts thesis work. It was held at a downtown gallery by the harbor, on a Thursday night. I got out early from lab and took the bus downtown by myself.

The gallery was crowded with students and professors, each holding a cup of wine and a plate of cheese and crackers. I skipped the refreshment table and wondered through various pieces of artwork, trying to find Violet’s exhibition.

Suddenly she was right beside me. “I’m glad you came,”

I turned around. “Hey. Congratulations.” I said. “Shouldn’t...”

“Jeremy? He has something to do at the med school. Come on, you haven’t seen my work yet right? Let me show you.”

Her work was this large canvas that took up one entire wall of the alcove at the end of the gallery. The entire canvas was covered with a dark indigo that was almost black, and three bright orange vertical stripes dominated the middle. Upon closer inspection, the stripes had very jagged edges, and the paint itself was very unevenly applied. Even shades of color on adjacent strokes were different throughout the entire painting. It reminded me of the ocean at night---all vast, all dark, filled with mysterious possibilities.

“It’s titled ‘Somewhere Only We Know.”

“Like the song?”

“That’s right.”

“Is there supposed to be a meaning?”

“Nothing. It doesn’t come with an explanation.”

“I suppose.”

“It took me a long time just to come up with the concept. At first I had no idea what I wanted...but when it came to me, I knew this was the one.”

“I see.”

We stood side by side looking at the painting for a while.

“The award ceremony is about to start. I’m supposed to get the second place prize. I’m going to have to go for a bit before it starts, but please stay for the ceremony, ok?”

“All right.”

“Well...let’s keep in touch.”

“Right.”

After she headed off towards the atrium, I quietly exited through the back door and boarded the bus back to campus. That was the last time I saw Violet until we met up again in New York, almost fifteen years later.

Eventually I ended up at a certain top medical school in another state and graduated with high honors; but, I can no longer detail anything that transpired during those four years. Like a machine, I shut my mind off and dutifully performed the tasks that I was assigned. I never stood out; I was always in the middle, and got along with people without making any real friends.

Even so, I did get involved with this one girl named Ann. She was a dental student that one of my roommates had introduced me to. She was younger than I was by two years, wore rimless glasses, and didn’t express much opinion on anything. We saw each other a couple of times a month. She would come to my room and make pasta with store-bought tomato sauce. We would eat the pasta while watching Jet Li movies on VHS, during which she would put on this blank expression that reminded me of wax statues. I didn’t quite consider those pasta dinners as dates, but apparently my classmates thought otherwise; they referred to her as my Pasta Bitch.

One day I found sitting in the mailbox the invitation to Violet’s wedding, along with a two page handwritten letter. My parents had forwarded the letter to me a week after they received it at home. I tore open the envelope and scanned the letter. Things had been going very steady with Jeremy, Violet wrote, and that he simply asked her to marry him over cannolis and cappuccino. She wasn’t exactly ecstatic since they both had expected it to happen for some time, but she was still very content; they’d be moving somewhere else after they get married, but they hadn’t decided on where; and that she wanted very, very much to see me again.

I stuffed the letter back into the envelope, took out the RSVP card, and placed the card on my desk. Then, I poured some of my roommate’s whiskey into a red plastic cup, downed it, and filled out the RSVP card.

The night before the wedding, however, I didn’t go to the airport. Instead, I called Ann for her to come over and drank several cans of beer while I waited for her. When she stepped through my door I grabbed her hand and pulled her towards me. I embraced her tightly, and buried my face into the cove formed by her neck and shoulder. She wrapped her arms around my collar without saying a word.

I had her lie in my bed, and I pulled her clothes off while she stared at me. As soon as we went through just enough of the obligatory foreplay, we had sex with her on top of me. She moaned rhythmically, her expression while she moved more blank than that during the Jet Li movies. Having had the beers made me dizzy throughout the entire episode, and all I could remember was concentrating on ending it as if I were running in a hundred-meter dash, as if the answers to my confusion were there at the finish line.

Of course, at the end if it all---nothing came to me, as much as I had naïvely believed that by screwing Ann everything would change. Still I was just the same person, with the same paradoxes haunting my life. If anything, I was more confused, as if something important to me had vaporized into the air, leaving me searching in vain. I realized this was what people referred to as maturing.

A couple of weeks later I told Ann that I regretted doing what I did to her, to which she simply said, “I can’t trust you anymore.” We stopped seeing each other, but when she faded from my life I didn’t feel much pain. Life went on as usual.

Med school, residency, another two years at NYU Downtown Hospital, and then my own clinic by the time I was thirty-five. All this time I put the deep thoughts about my life aside, locked away in a little jar. Once out of a blue moon these thoughts would resurface, always when I was alone, but for the most part I settled into a comfortable routine. I made a good living, and I was quite accepting of the way my career had turned out. There’s not much more I could want, right?

And then a month ago the a crack appeared on the jar when Violet told me about her divorce and that she was coming to New York.

(To be continued)

Taiwan Journal Ep. 1: Scallion Pancake with Egg and Soy Milk / 蛋餅加豆漿

This is a series of journals about Taiwan.

The journal will be mostly on my trip this March during spring break with the Harvard Asia Law Society, but many things that I felt was affected by my previous experiences with Taiwan, of course. I had thought about this for a little bit before writing the first words, because I don’t want to sound like a foreigner writing about an exotic place. Taiwan is not an exotic place. There are real people living there with real lives and real big problems. I want to do more than talk about how I was pleasantly surprised because of my ignorance.

So where to start? Let’s start with breakfast then, since I’m always thinking about eating and it’s probably the first thing on my mind after I wake up. So let’s talk about breakfast.

Speaking of breakfast, nothing is more Taiwanese to me than scallion pancake with egg and soy milk (I’m going to write 蛋餅加豆漿, since it just doesn’t sound right in English.) What is so “Taiwanese” about it, I am not too sure. I am pretty sure it’s not something indigenous or unique to Taiwan. Not too many things are, at least the things you can buy. I can get something like that in the U.S. too, in frozen form. They even sell that stuff in Yenching (across the street from Harvard Yard), but none of them speaks to me in the same way. The connection, then, must be on a more personal level.

On the very last morning before we took off for Boston, I had an encounter with 蛋餅加豆漿. We were supposed to meet at the lobby at around 7:00, so I took some time beforehand to get some food. At 6 in the morning on Sunday, Zhonghua Road was pretty much deserted, except for the occasional cab and scooter. I walked into the Ximen area and soon I heard the sound of metal spatulas clinking with sizzling hot griddles. I approached one street corner and there were two breakfast shops right next to each other.

I call them shops but they are really small makeshift kitchens along the sidewalk. The one on the right was bigger, brighter, and staffed with three or four women busy frying things in the griddle, and someone else handling the money. There was a small line of people, mostly wearing very casual clothing. On the left hand side there was one woman older than the others, handing off a small cup of soy milk to a customer wearing flip flops and a white t-shirt. I was looking at her as she turned around. As soon as she realized I was there, she motioned me over.

“What would you like?” She asked me in Chinese.

“蛋餅加豆漿,” I told her in Taiwanese.

“Sure.” She replied in Taiwanese. “You’re not from here right? Your Taiwanese does not have a Taipei accent.”

“My family’s from Chiayi (嘉義), but I actually go to school in the U.S.” I said. “And where are you from?”

“I’ve lived around here for a long time now, but I’m from Tainan. So we’re both from the south, yeah? Let me tell you something. Taipei is so different from the south.” She slapped the scallion pancakes onto the griddle.

“How so?”

“You know, people in the south (she used the word “下港人”, literally “lower port people”) are much nicer. They’ll help you out when you need them. Everyone help everyone, you know? Everyone You here only cares about themselves. They don’t give a damn about you. They’ll step all over you to get ahead. It just makes me mad. Look over there. A decade ago I came up here and opened this little place, and then those people over there decided to do exactly the same thing just to compete with me. See those girls working for her? They’re from Indonesia and God knows how much they’re getting paid. They’re just here to take our money.”

I looked over, and somehow I felt one of the women looking at me. I had a feeling she was more just curious as to what we’re talking about. She quickly went back to work.

Just then the customer that I saw before came back. “Hey let me have another cup of soy milk...I tripped on something and spilled the last cup.” The old woman ladled out another cup and ran it through the sealing machine. The customer fished out some change, cupped them in his left hand, and extended it to the old woman.

“No no no, no charge.” She said, and tossed the change back into the guy’s bag along with the cup of soy milk. The customer nodded, stuffed the change back into his pocket, and slowly walked away.

“So what are you doing here in Taipei? Vacationing?” The woman said as she turned her eyes back on the griddle.

“Something like that,” I said. “I’m here with some friends from school just doing some sightseeing and meeting some people.”

She stuffed my food in a little plastic bag, and added some soy sauce. “That’s good...that’s good. I hope you guys had a good stay.”

“Thank you. Well, so long.” I said as I paid her. She waved goodbye and returned to organizing her frozen meats in the small fridge she has next to the gas tank that was attached to the griddle.

I suppose it’s ironic that the first in the series about Taiwan actually turned out to be the very last meal I had in Taiwan since then. Or, put another way, the very last VIP I had a meeting with, among the many VIPs we met that week. I feel that I learned just as much about Taiwan and myself from her, as I did in any of our meetings or dinners. I learned that Taiwan isn’t just another exotic place or a topic of discussion in an international relations case study. This woman was living her life out in Taiwan, from the south to the north, from the past to the present. Seeing and getting in touch with that was more the point of my trip, I think.

But we knew that, even a week before that morning when we landed in Taipei. We were excited about being absorbed by Taiwan, loving it, hating it, not knowing what to think of it, feeling totally overwhelmed by it. We would have had foot massages, drank beer out of an ice bucket, stuffed our face with pork shabu shabu, and wondered about Taiwan’s future with the best and brightest and most passionate minds. But that’s for the next entry. For now, let’s just enjoy some breakfast.

Somewhere Only We Know (Part 1 of 3)

“The first few weeks of living in Kyoto were harder than I thought. Not that I haven’t lived in Japan before, but Kyoto was definitely something else. The old lady that lived next door yelled at me for using the wrong kind of trash bag---can you believe it? And oh yeah, working at the art gallery was really tough as well.”

Violet looked at her glass of water as if she were looking for something, and then looked at me.

“Wow. That does sound pretty tough,” I said.

“Definitely. Of course, after a while things got a lot better.”

“I know you could do it.”

We had just finished a late dinner at a small Thai restaurant somewhere in the Upper West Side. Sitting next to the floor-to-ceiling window that formed the façade, we had a good view of the narrow street outside. Occasionally a car would pass by, its headlights adding a brief moment of illumination to our candlelit table.

Violet sat across from me, her arms neatly folded at the edge of our small table, her body leaned in slightly. She was wearing a white button down shirt that was almost translucent, and through the opening of her collar I could see a very thin gold necklace. Her deep auburn hair came down straight past her shoulders and curled in at the tips, framing her face. She wasn’t wearing a ring.

“So, what exactly are you doing in New York?” I asked.

“There’s an upcoming auction at Sotheby’s and my gallery has a collection of items that’s part of the exhibition, so I was sent here to work with them. I’ve already met a couple of their people at lunch today. They seem like nice people.”

“I see. So how long are you going to stay in New York?”

“I’m not sure...the auction is in a week, but I suppose there will be things to take care of afterwards. My gallery basically told me I could stay as long as I need to.”

“That’s really nice of them.”

“Isn’t it?” She had a sip of water. “But enough about me. How have you been doing? I want to know.”

“Me? Nothing too exciting. It’s the same as always.”

“Really? That’s hard to believe. I heard you have your own clinic in Flushing. That must really be something.”

I laughed a little. “Once in a while I’d get some interesting cases, but overall it’s rather boring. Mostly family stuff. I see a lot of grandmas.”

She chuckled. “Really?”

“Mainly arthritis or high blood pressure, the usual. If it’s too serious then I’d just send them onto a bigger hospital.”

“I see...well, I still think it’s impressive. You’ll have to show me around one of these days.”

There weren’t many people left in the restaurant. I paused for a moment to look at Violet, and she smiled.

“It’s getting late.” She said.
　
“Shall we go?”

“Sure. Thanks for dinner.”

We got up and gathered our belongings, and I helped her into her jacket.

“Here,” she reached into the inside pocket on her jacket as she turned around. “They gave me a temporary cell phone and a box of business cards. Give me a call sometime if you’re not too busy, alright?”

* * *

Violet and I had met sometime during the spring semester of our freshmen year in college. We were in the same economics class, and before lecture one day she came up to me out of nowhere and asked if she could borrow a pencil. Being freshmen, we wasted no time in introducing ourselves to each other. After class she returned the pencil and we ended up having lunch together while talking about people we both knew.

For the next couple of months we would have lunch together after economics class, and then spend the rest of the afternoon sitting in the billiards lounge at the student center, talking about all sorts of things---what we liked to eat, our favorite spots for studying, ways to procrastinate, and funny stories about our friends. She had a special way of arching her back and leaning in close as she listened to me talk, as if nothing else around her mattered except for the silly words coming from me.

Violet was different from the other girls I knew. She usually wore nothing more elaborate than a t-shirt, a simple white cardigan and jeans. She didn’t care much for makeup or jewelry. And she always carried around a tiny notebook for taking notes while she read---and she read everything from 19th century Russian novels to Cosmo.

Violet had asked me to go to the annual campus-wide formal towards the end of that first school year. I hadn’t planned on going and I didn’t think too much into it, but Violet had pitched it as just a fun way for us to spend a Saturday evening, so I shrugged and said sure.

That evening I got ready, went over to Violet’s room, and knocked on her door. Moments later the door opened halfway, and through the gap between the door and the frame I saw her standing there. She had nothing on but a deep blue towel loosely wrapped around her. Her right hand was holding on to the edge of the towel over her left breast, and her hair was damp and clumped into thick strands that plastered onto her face. She looked at me with her mouth parted slightly, her eyes locked on mine with an intensity like nothing I had ever felt. I stood in the hallway silently. Finally she smiled, told me to wait outside for a bit, and disappeared behind the door as she slowly closed it.

After what felt like a couple of seconds she emerged again wearing a dazzling black satin spaghetti-strap dress. We then walked from her room to the formal, which was held in the vaulted, gothic-style freshmen dining hall. The drabness and strange odors that were still there at lunch were all but gone, replaced by ice sculptures and mountains of grapes and berries. Violet and I walked around and stopped to listen to the swing band.

After the swing bands played through three songs, Violet turned to me and grabbed my hand.

“Let’s get out of here, yeah?”

“Where to?”

“I’ll show you.”

She led me through the crowd of big sweaty guys by the chocolate fountain to the rear of the dining hall, and then we were out through the back exit. She took out a key from her purse, and unlocked the unmarked door next to the exit. Beyond the door a dark hallway appeared, at the end of which was an elevator.

We got in the elevator and went up. When the elevator doors opened again, we were at the balcony in the bell tower. Below us was the shape of the campus etched out by tiny lots of light, beyond which was the city, and then the harbor, everything shrouded by the dark navy blue of the night. The wind was strong up there, but it carried with it a sense of freshness and even a tint of saltiness that reminded me of the end of spring.

She walked over to the railing and grabbed it, resting her weight on it. “Much better now, isn’t it?”

I stood right behind her. “Oh yeah. It was so stuffy down there. How did you find out about this place?”

“When I did student janitor last semester I had to clean this place twice a month, so I just kept the key afterwards.”

“It’s...beautiful.”

“Isn’t it? I like to come up here once in a while when I’m frustrated.”

“Really? Frustrated about what?”

“Frustrated about...decisions.”

“...what kind of decisions?”

“Decisions on life...what kind of a person to be, what kind of a life I want to have, what kind of boy to like, things like that. It’s just, I don’t want to have to make these decisions just yet...but I don’t want to let anyone else decide for me either,” she turned around and smiled. “I guess I’m just really contradictory, yeah?”

“It’s ok.” I said. “I think I need to think of things in more concrete
terms, but I sort of understand what you’re saying.”

She brought herself up from the railing, and leaned back until she was
resting her back on me. Instinctively but slowly I brought my arms around her
waist. I closed my eyes and let her hair fall on my face, her scent seeping into my pores and filling my veins. I felt the weight of her body against my chest.

And then just like that I let go of my arms, unconsciously, and I was back again. She turned to face me. “Thanks for tonight,” she said softly, kissed me on the cheek, and started towards the elevator.

When I was back in my room later that night I sat on the edge of my bed and thought about what happened that night, replaying the events over and over again in my mind, hoping that they would eventually be seared in permanently. But as the images crystallized one after another, my consciousness slipped away. I lost the ability to think.

After the formal we continued to hang out at the billiards lounge as usual, and once in a while we would go watch an indie film or go to a school concert. Usually she did the inviting, since she had friends in the school orchestra and choir, and she was much more up to date than I was about movies.

I wasn’t aware of it back then obviously, but very slowly we drifted apart anyway, naturally, even when neither of us wanted it. We chose different majors, stopped taking the same classes, and then work just piled on. I was working with a neuroscience professor in lab, and she was starting to work on the creative piece of her fine arts thesis. At first it was cutting our conversations short, and then it was twice a week, and then once a week, and then we had to plan around our schedules just to see each other. Eventually, phone calls were replaced by emails, and then even that became rarer as time went by.

Sometime towards the end of junior year Violet had called to see if we could meet up. It was the first time in maybe several weeks since she last talked. I went to meet her that Friday at the billiards lounge.

The place was quiet, dimly lit with a maroon tint. I walked in and found Violet sitting on the couch under the vintage Absinthe poster. She had kicked off her sandals and drawn her legs up on the couch. Her hair came down straight over her cheeks.

I sat down next to her. “What’s wrong? You said you wanted to talk to me about something.”

“Um, well...alright. I just wanted to tell you, I’m sort of seeing this guy. His name is Jeremy.”

I nodded, and stared at the silhouette of the three pool tables in front of me. “Oh.” I said.

“Oh?” She said. “Is that...it?”

“That’s...pretty much.”

“Well...I just wanted you to know. We’ve been seeing each other for almost two months now. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. He’s this second year med school student, really smart guy. We met at a friend’s birthday party one night. We share a lot of interests. He’s been really good to me. He understands me.”

“That’s nice, but...why are you telling me all this?”

“Because, well, I just thought you should know.” She extended her legs and slipped her feet into her sandals. “So...that’s that. Hey, I don’t want you to let this bother you. I want to stay as friends, just like we are now, yeah?”

I looked at the ceiling. “Yeah.”

“Then, you should be happy for me. Can you do that? Will you do it for me?”

Without saying anything, I closed my eyes and exhaled. Violet looked at me and waited, but I couldn’t give her what she wanted to hear.

Finally, she looked at her watch and sighed. “Well...I have to go now. I’ll see you around.” She got up and slipped out of the room, leaving me in the dark. Her movements reminded me of that image of her wrapped in the towel. And one after another the images came to my mind, juxtaposing themselves on each other, blurring and swirling together in a torrent of sights, sounds, and scents. Soon those fragments of memories became indistinguishable shapes, and I gave into the darkness.

The next morning I was woken up by the Christian Fellowship people who used the lounge on Saturday mornings for Bible study. With a piercing headache, I dragged myself back to my room across campus.

(To be continued)

Preface

So perhaps some people are reading this and saying, why is Ting starting a blog?

I’ve always dreamed of having a little room for myself where I can dabble in a little of this or that. A simple table and a simple typewriter (or better yet, a regular notebook and some pencils with HB lead), and another huge table for drawing or painting or whatever I feel like doing that day. Instead I’m sitting in front of my computer somewhere right now...

I suppose some sort of place to put up unfinished pieces of work would be good enough for now though. So here it is. Enjoy it in the same way you would enjoy your five year old cousin’s drawings from kindergarten art class.

Now there are a few guidelines I’m following. First, I’m not posting about my daily or weekly updates of my life. Some of you may know that I keep a journal with me almost all the time, in an old fashioned spiral notebook. I do my writing about daily life in there, and that’s just for myself. Sometimes the articles will be about my thought on life, but it wouldn’t be a day to day record. Second, I don’t really appreciate insulting comments, and I will cut them. I also don’t want to pick fights about politics. Any constructive discussions is always welcomed.

Ok that’s basically it. For the next couple of weeks I will be posting the following things: a couple of pieces about my trip to Taiwan in March, an old story from two years ago, and portions of a new story I’m working on. I hope you guys like it.

I hope you guys like it. Maybe that’s why I’m doing this blog thing.